In Sickness and in Health
by fangirl1982
Summary: Jack and Gabrielle have to drive to Canberra... yeah, lame as it is, it's a better fic than a summary!
1. Chapter 1

"Frank says you're driving to this convention."

Jack Quade looked up from his book at his colleague and housemate Gabrielle Jaeger. "I'm not fussed on flying and besides, I have friends in Canberra so I want my car to visit them. Why, are you hitting me up for a lift?"

Gabrielle nodded sheepishly. Flying scared the crap out of her, had done since she'd been a little girl and her dad had taken her on a joy flight with so much turbulence she had thrown up for three hours afterwards. She and Jack were representing the hospital at a three-day convention on emergency medicine in Canberra, and she so dreaded flying she was tempted to give the job to one of her subordinates. She had broached this with Frank, the head of the ED, who'd cut her down completely. He and Charlotte Beaumont, his 2IC, couldn't make it so they were sending in Jack, they needed at least one of the two going to be a HoD. But if she was afraid of flying, she could always ask Jack for a lift.

"Sure, the company would be nice," Jack said agreeably. He hadn't much been looking forward to hours of driving by himself. Solitude he liked, but not when you had nothing else to do but concentrate on the road.

"How do you know people in Canberra?" she asked him a couple of days later when they hit the road. Steve had raised all hell about her spending so much time with Jack – Steve could be very touchy about her friendship with Jack. Well, it wasn't like he had a right to be, not anymore. And it wasn't like there was anything to be touchy about. Jack had made that perfectly clear when he had forced her to face up to her feelings for both of them after kissing him at Dan and Erica's wedding.

The kiss… she still remembered it, the split second when he kissed her back before pulling away. Jack was a good kisser and the memory of touching him, feeling his lips pressed up against hers, was not something she could let go of. And the chemistry – she didn't think it was possible to have chemistry with someone like that. But Jack wasn't interested in her. He had no interest of getting involved with a colleague, not interest in getting involved with someone he didn't think was entirely over her ex.

That was the kicker. Jack's bluntness with her had forced her to acknowledge that while she loved Steve, she would never be in love with him again. Too much had come between them and now they were just friends. She didn't trust Steve to get involved with him, not the way she trusted Jack.

And she did trust Jack. She was surprised at how much. She had thought him to be untrustworthy, given the way he slept around, but since he'd come back to the ED he'd been nothing but professional and discreet in his personal life. Since he had moved in with her, she'd never seen him with anyone. Of course, that could just mean he was going over to other women's places, but she doubted that somehow.

She had once intimated that they were such good friends and that close friendship was a good foundation for a relationship. "I wouldn't want to complicate things," he had said, thinking they were talking in theory, not realizing she was putting her heart on the line. She never brought it up again and he never made any comment, any gesture that made her think there was any hope. SO she settled for his friendship and tried to put it out of her mind.

"I went to uni there," he said, breaking her out of her reverie. "Still have friends based there."

She frowned in concentration. "I'm sorry, did you go to AUMEL?" she asked. Jack nodded. The Australian University of Medicine, Engineering and Law, considered by many to be the top university in the country for those three professions. You practically had to be a member of MENSA to even be considered. "That's quite an accomplishment. How come you never talk about it?"

Jack shrugged. "It was just when I went to uni," he said, and Gabrielle added modesty to his list of good attributes. "I have a few friends who still live there and I figured I may as well drive and have my car."

They talked on and off most of the way there, but Gabrielle had a hard time getting over just how bright he was. If she'd found him attractive before, now he was incredibly hot.

She couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to go to bed with a man so intelligent.

They got to the hotel the convention was being held at. Gabrielle whistled appreciatively. "I could get used to this," she said. They checked in and made their way to their rooms, which were next to each other. "I meeting a friend in two hours at the bar, why do you say in the meantime I'll go smuggle in some beers and we can hang out." Gabrielle agreed.

"…So Peter thinks it's incredibly funny to tell the Dean the reason I was late to dinner was because I was sleeping off a hangover. He then goes into a lengthy speech about how he considers my ability to drink everyone under the table a virtue. I was mortified."

"You know, Jack, I really can't see you being friends with someone like that," Gabrielle said. Jack had been telling her stories about live at uni and it didn't sound at all like the man she knew.

Jack smiled ruefully. "I've changed a lot. And Peter – he kind of adopted me as a brother when I first got to uni. I was sixteen and knew no-one. He always had my back even though he could be so indiscreet. He's just as crass as he always was but I'm really looking forward to catching up. You'll actually get to meet him if you want."

"Do you think he'd like me?"

Was that a note of insecurity in Gabrielle's voice? Jack didn't see that it mattered weather Peter liked her or not – what he loved about Gabrielle was her deep sense of security in who she was. It amazed Jack that this sense of security prevailed even after what Steve had put her through. He knew she questioned herself as a girlfriend and lover, wondering if there was something she had done or not done would that have kept him from straying, from drinking?

_Poor girl_, he often thought of her. He'd been cheated on and it sucked but it must have been so much worse to have it be your childhood sweetheart. He admired her greatly for her determination not to let it get her down. Actually, he admired her greatly for a lot of things. Her intelligence, her humility, her sense of humour – she made him feel good about himself, really good about himself, and that was a rare thing for him these days.

He had been shocked at how good it had felt to kiss her. And it had been as if he'd known all along what she would taste like – sweet and soft and he'd just wanted to back her into a wall and devour her. Instead, he'd done the right thing and broken it off after common sense kicked in. She was drunk and not entirely over Steve, who had been flirting with the new nurse all night. She didn't care about Jack, she cared about making a point to Steve.

So he'd called her on it, and forced her to admit she still had feelings for the guy. He decided it would be best to not get involved rather than kid himself that her mind was entirely on him. Jack Quade, getting involved with the ED NUM who's heart belongs with an ax. How was that for a joke. No thanks.

But he couldn't forget what kissing her had been like, and a couple of times she'd hinted at what it would be like to be in a relationship with him. He let himself wonder if she was serious and decided she wasn't. It wasn't worth risking his heart being stomped on again.

She was looking at him expectantly and he realized she'd asked him a question. "Peter can be very crass and very shallow when it comes to women," he said slowly, and he knew from the look on her face he'd said the wrong thing. "I'm not saying I share his opinions but he wouldn't appreciate you for the same reasons I do."

"You mean because I'm a good friend and very competent nurse – that doesn't matter to him because I'm not attractive." It was her greatest insecurity, that Steve hadn't found her pretty enough to be faithful to.

"Hey know damn well you're attractive," Jack said. "You just don't look like Jennifer Hawkins. Look, if circumstances were different, I'd date you and I'm a much better boyfriend than Peter is."

Gabrielle held back the tears that were threatening. Jack was so sweet, the way he cared about her feelings. She leaned over and squeezed his thigh. She'd had too much to drink and started thinking about what it would feel like to be ensconced in his arms and kissing him. "You're a good friend," she said.

If she left her hand there much longer, his body was going to get ideas and embarrass him. She was tipsy and just being friendly, but still… "I have to go meet my friend," he said, hurriedly jumping up and forcing Gabrielle's hand to jump away, leaving Gabrielle feeling rejected. What the hell was the matter with him? They had chemistry, didn't they? Why wasn't he interested in her?

_Because you're not pretty enough_, she told herself without meaning to.

The next day, Jack was late getting up so Gabrielle went to get him. He was probably sleeping off one of those hangovers he seemed to get whenever his uni mates were involved. She knocked through the door and got no answer, so used the spare keycard he'd given her to let herself in…

Only to be greeted by a very beautiful and very naked woman on top of him, the two of them completely oblivious to the rest of the world until she heard Gabrielle gasped behind her. She turned around and gave a poisoned glare. "Excuse me?" she asked in a heavily accented voice. "did you want anything?"

"Uh, no," Gabrielle said, backing towards the door, her face red as a tomato.

"Then please go away. We're in the middle of something."

Jack caught up with her half an hour later. "Look, I'm really sorry about Tanya. She can be kind of abrupt if you interrupt her at the wrong moment."

"Hope you used a condom," she muttered.

Jack stared at her. He had, but he didn't like her tone of voice. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh, what do you think it means, Jack? Friend from uni? Yeah, right. She looked like her fees are exorbitant." Which was true enough. Tanya was stunning and made Gabrielle feel very plain and dumpy. No wonder Jack had no interest in her when he could get a woman like Tanya naked.

"I'm going to pretend you didn't just accuse Tanya Gregova of being a hooker," Jack said.

Gabrielle went as white as she had been red half an hour ago. "_That's _Tanya Gregova?" she spluttered. "But – but – Jack, how do you know Tanya Gregova?" She was one of the most respected surgeons in the country, heading the surgical team in a major Canberra hospital despite only being thirty-one.

"She's a mate of mine from uni. She made some insinuations one day in Russian and I turned around and corrected her. In Russian." Jack laughed at the memory. "You should have seen the look on her face. She's brilliant and quad-lingual, she wasn't used to people talking back to her. We've gotten along great ever since and I catch up with her ever since."

"But – but –" Gabrielle couldn't stop spluttering. She'd heard of Tanya Gregova, of course, everyone in Australia's medical community had, but she hadn't realized the woman was so beautiful… or so intimately acquainted with Jack.

"Why does it mean that much to you anyway?" he asked quietly. "Who I sleep with, I mean? You've never struck me as the type to get offended when a mate hooks up with someone."

Of course, she couldn't admit it meant that much to her because she had feels for Jack – feelings that were apparently unrequited. Why the hell would he be interested in her when he could hold the interest of someone as beautiful and brainy as Tanya Gregova? She'd been deluding herself to think he'd ever be interested in her. "It was just embarrassing," she said. "I don't think I ever want to see that much of you again, Jack."

He grinned, hiding his disappointment that that was all it was about. He was surprised to realize just how much he had wanted there to be jealousy mixed in with that embarrassment. "Tell me about it. Look, can you not say anything to anyone when we get home? I don't think I'll ever let it down."

Yeah, right. Like she ever wanted people to know the reason Jack wasn't interested in her was because he could get a woman like Tanya.

Later that day, he introduced her to his other uni friends. They were all older than him. "That's because Jack's a freaking genius despite screwing his way through uni – mate, I always wanted to know what you could have achieve if you weren't out getting drunk or laid half the time – that he was sixteen when he started whereas us mere mortals were eighteen. And he overloaded to finish in five years," Peter said. Despite his crassness, he was clearly fond of the man he considered his younger brother.

"You're just full of surprises, aren't are?" Gabrielle asked. First AUMEL, now a uni student at sixteen and graduate of medicine at twenty-one. Jack squirmed in his seat. He didn't like bragging about his achievements. Once, maybe, but now he realized just how lucky he'd been to be able to use his intelligence to escape from the life he'd grownup in.

"So, are you two getting it on?" Peter asked crassly. "I know you have a thing with nurses, Jack."

Gabrielle blushed and Jack glared at him. "I think my boss would kill me if I lay a hand on one of his staff again," he said, not willing to explain, either in front of Gabrielle or in her absence, that the real reason was that she was in love with someone else.

Peter laughed. "You always were a player, weren't you. I never worked out where you got the energy from."

"I'm sorry, I told you he was crass but that was particularly bad, even by his standards," Jack apologized later that evening.

"It's fine. It was… enlightening." She smirked. "Were you really a player?"

Jack scowled and Gabrielle realized she'd hit on a nerve that made Jack's mind retreat to that dark place where loneliness and pain were his constant companions. "You know about Patrick," he said quietly. "I'm not proud of some of the things I've done, some of the women I've used, but it was the only way I knew how to feel good about myself."

"Jack, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said it – should have known that's where it came from." She knew about Patrick because it was hard to avoid it when the man came home from counseling sessions looking so emotionally ground-down that she didn't know how he managed to keep moving forward, had been fairly easy to coax him into talking about it. He'd never told a woman what had happened to him, those two years or being raped and coerced into blow jobs as an alternative and a step-mother who didn't believe him and kept forcing him over – and he found like unlike Dan or Mike, he could actually stand to have her touch him, even found her hugs soothing. And the way she let him lay his head in her lap and stroked his hair when he'd had a particularly bad day…

He smiled, and the darkness was gone. "Forget about it," he said. "Why don't we grab a quick drink and have a early night? It's going to be a big day tomorrow."

* * *

"So, what's the deal with you and the nurse?"

Jack took his time sipping his coffee. He didn't trust where this conversation was going. "Why do you ask?"

"Oh, come on Jack, we've been friends for how long? I know you'll nail anything that moves. So why aren't you making the moves on her? Does she have a boyfriend? Husband? Lesbian? Not that that's stopped you before."

Jack fought the childish urge to throw his coffee in Peter's face. OK, so he'd done some shitty things but he was trying to make amends. Sometimes he thought the main reason he'd fallen in with Peter was that Peter was such a player and didn't judge Jack for sleeping around. Now that he was trying to improve on that, they didn't seem to have as much in common as they used to. "No boyfriend or husband, although her ex works with us, so definitely not a lesbian, either."

"Then what? Is it because she's so plain? You know, the plain ones can be the best in bed – they have to be, they have nothing else to offer."

Jack bit down on a piece of croissant so he wouldn't be able to talk for a minute if he chewed really slowly. Peter could be really mean sometimes. Gabrielle wasn't plain, she just wasn't drop-dead gorgeous. And more importantly, she made him laugh and feel good about himself. Jack started to say this when he realized his words would be lost on Peter. The guy just didn't understand concepts like respecting women, and he certainly wouldn't understand that Jack wasn't interested in just getting laid if he couldn't have her heart and soul, too. And her heart and soul belonged to Steve – or at least, more than they would ever belong to Jack, or so he thought.

"Guilty as charged," he said, then, to really give him something to make his eyes gleam, Jack volunteered, "You know I had Tanya over the night before last?"

Peter's eyes really did gleam. "She as good as ever?" he asked. Not that he knew personally, Tanya had no time for men who couldn't challenge her intellectually.

"Better." Jack hoped he never had to have such a conversation again. If Bianca Frost could hear him, everything she'd ever said about him would be proven true.

Instead, it was Gabrielle who overheard the conversation. Is it because she's so plain. You know, the plain ones can be the best in bed – they have to be, they have nothing else to offer. And worse, Jack's reply, guilty as charged. Had all the times he'd said her looks didn't matter been a lie – for what? What did he think of her exactly? Was she good enough to be his friend but not good enough to be his girlfriend, not even good enough to be his secret lover? Did he find her that repulsive that he could be pally with her while waiting for a supermodel to show up but never be interested in her romantically or sexually.

She was so upset that she went back to her room and cried for the rest of the day, blowing off all her seminar commitments.

* * *

"Jaeger, get your lazy ass into gear. I want to be back before dark."

Lazy ass? Did he really think she was lazy? Fat, too? All of yesterday she had cried her heart out while Jack was probably off checking out women far prettier than her. She'd thought she couldn't get his attention because he thought she was still hung up over Steve, but no, it was because she was plain.

Gabrielle opened the door to her room. She'd gone to a lot off effort to rinse out her eyes and do her makeup so her face didn't look so puffy. Jack didn't notice a thing. But then, Jack was too busy being irritated at her for blowing him off last night. She'd agreed to have dinner with him the night before – it being their last night in an all-expenses-paid hotel – then texted him saying she was busy. Doing what? She knew no-one in Canberra. Or had Steve called and decided to monopolize her time? He wouldn't put it past the older doctor. But then, it was as much Gabrielle's fault as it was Steve's – she kept letting him monopolize her.

He thought back to his conversation with Peter. No, it wasn't that Gabrielle was plain – which she wasn't – that discouraged Jack from getting involved with her. It was goddamn Steve. The man was always going to be in her life, always trying to worm his way between her and Jack, and Jack didn't want anything to do with it.

She was sullen on the car home, making sarcastic remarks about his car, his appearance and his friends until he finally asked, "Have I done something to offend you? Because if I have, I'd rather you tell me than be a bitch."

"Do you think you've done something wrong?" she asked.

"Gabby, quite with the bullshit mind games. I haven't done anything I'm aware of so either out with it or quit with the snarky comments. You're acting like a child."

"Oh, I'm acting like a child?" she raged, incensed. "Who was it who said they wouldn't sleep with me because I'm too plain?"

Jack paled immediately. No wonder she was pissy. "I never meant for you to hear that. I jut said – look, I could never explain to someone like Peter that I respect you too much as a person to jeopardize that because I wanted to get laid, so when he volunteered that you were too plain, I took it. It was cowardly and I'm sorry but you must know I didn't mean it."

"I find that hard to believe given you drove to a whole other state because you wanted to squire around someone who could moonlight as a supermodel," she snapped.

"The ACT is a territory, not a state, and it doesn't count if it's within the borders of New South Wales," Jack said peevishly. Like he needed to drive anywhere more than a few kilometers to get laid. He wanted Tanya because he had a deep affection and respect for her, not because she had a hot body.

"Don't be an ass, Jack. You crossed state lines, I don't care what you want to call it. God, have you been laughing at me all along? I remember how people warned me you like to chase the ED NUM and you never did me – I thought maybe you'd learned your lesson, but nope, not pretty enough for Jack Quade, connoisseur of women, that's all it was."

"I didn't hit on you because I was trying to make up for what I did to Frank. Jesus Christ, Gabby, you know how awful I still feel about that and… you seriously think it was because I didn't find you attractive?"

"Then why haven't you made a move on me?"

"Uh… maybe because I was hoping you might let go of Steve but since that's not going to happen…"

"Oh, I let go of Steve soon after you called me on it. If you weren't too busy screwing around you'd have known that. Whatever I may have felt in the past, I don't trust him, not the way I trust you… or the way I thought I trusted you. But you – you're just like him, you know. You say all the right things but you've never given a crap about me, not when there are women like Tanya out there to satisfy you."

There was a rest stop coming up, Jack saw. Good. He was so worked up that the only thing he could think about was stopping the car and hashing it out with her. "What the hell are you doing?" she screamed at him when she saw he was pulling over. "What happened to getting back by dark?"

Despite the fact it was raining, he got out of the car, walked around to her side, yanked open the door, leaned in to unclip her seatbelt despite her screaming protests, and hauled her out into the rain, pinning her body against his car. "I'm sorry I didn't make a move sooner," he said huskily. "I'm sorry I didn't realize you were over Steve. What do you expect from me, I've been hurt before, waiting for a woman I care about to stop loving her ex more than she loves me."

Too worked up to really hear when Jack was saying, she pounded his back with her fists. "You're not attracted to me! You don't want me like you want – like you want Tanya."

He said quietly, "I've wanted you ever since you kissed me. Sometimes I lie awake thinking about you and I have to talk myself out of going to your room because I'm terrified you'll reject me, or worse, you'll only half-commit to me and while I make love to you, you're mind is drifting to him. I couldn't go through that again." He hadn't realized the depth of his emotion until he'd spoken the words.

His words finally got through. "Jack…"

"Sometimes I'm watching you for no reason and I have this urge to drag you into the nearest private room and rip your clothes off. I want to feel you thrashing against me, I want to feel you come over and over. I want to be inside you so much it hurts and sometimes I don't know how I restrain myself."

"Jack – if you feel that way about me – and you don't do anything now –"

He responded by mashing his mouth against hers. She opened it, letting him in, letting his tongue search out yours, wrapping her arms around his head, her fingers through his soaked hair… he grabbed her hips and lifted her so she could wrap her legs around his waist, wedged between his body and his car. The ran had soaked her white shirt through and left little to the imagination - not that it wasn't anything Jack's imagination hadn't already come up with. He ran his hands boldly over her body, her breasts and thighs. "You're beautiful," he said over and over. "You're beautiful."

She sensed, rather than felt, the hardness in his jeans and wanted to be with him more than she'd wanted anything in her life – including Steve. "You have a hatch," she said breathlessly.

"Yeah, so?"

"You can pull the backseat down."

He broke away from nuzzling her neck to look her in the eye. "Is this what you want? It can't wait a few hours?"

"Can _you _wait a few hours?" she returned. Finally, they were on the same page, both wanting each other desperately. He reluctantly let her go and pulled down the backseat (he had to stash their bags on the floor of the backseat to create extra space, by which time he was well aware of just how freaking cold it was) and he was grateful to have her in his arms in the relative dry. Which wasn't going to stay dry for long given they were both soaked to the bone.

He kissed her hungrily and she responded eagerly. He tried to go slowly but found he couldn't, and he was forcing her head down, forcing her body down by the weight of his, holding her hands tightly, kissing her face and neck hard and passionately sop she couldn't barely keep up. She responded as best as she could, kissing him, freeing her hands so she could run them down his back, wrapping her legs around his waist… she ground her torso against his deliberately until his reaction was obvious. "You are a devil," he grunted.

"You're the one holding me down," she retorted.

"Want me to stop?"

"You do and I'll kill you. Jack, please…" That was what he liked to hear, that pleading voice full of desire… he fumbled with the buttons on her shirt, which was sticking to her like a second skin. He grinned, thinking he'd never be able to see her in a white shirt the same way again. He fumbled with the clasp of her bra, momentarily wondering if this was awkward because their clothes were wet or because he'd never wanted someone so badly in his life and every second he wasn't inside her felt like an eternity. She responded by helping him out of his shirt, marvelling in how toned his body was. She knew how much he liked to be in good shape but this – it was a treat to run her fingers along the muscles of his back, even more of a treat to feel him buck against her involuntarily at the sensation. She didn't have a lot of experience with men and knowing she could make Jack feel this way…

She was wearing a skirt so Jack didn't bother taking it off to get to her panties, instead pushing the skirt up around her waist and pulling her panties down. When he touched her, he tried to be gentle but was shocked by how wet she was already. His fingers slid easily into her. "Jesus Christ," he muttered. Feeling how ready she was for him made the bulge in his jeans hurt. He started to finger her anyway until she begged him to stop.

"I want you," she panted wantonly. "Stop wasting time."

"Yes, mam," Jack said dryly. She'd actually managed to give the order to stop with the hand job and have sex with her in a tone that vaguely resembled the tolerate-no-nonsense one she used on her staff. Obligingly, he struggled out of his jeans – actually, he only got them down to his thighs because he wasn't in the mood to try and get them off entirely, not when the material was sticking to his skin as if with superglue – and pushed into her.

He groaned in ecstasy when he penetrated her fully and he could feel her tightening the grip her legs had on his waist. She was tight, too tight for his liking. "Don't stop," she grunted. "Don't you dare think about that now."

Think about what, that he couldn't stand the idea that sex might be the least bit uncomfortable for the woman he was with? He couldn't help it. He'd experienced painful, humiliating sex too many times _not_ to be aware of how it might feel for someone who wasn't used to his size, and Gabrielle definitely wasn't used to it, he could feel it in the way she was slightly tense, even though she was trying to hide it, even though she wanted him desperately and was prepared to be uncomfortable for the time it took to get used to him, even though the idea of hurting her for any reason in any way appalled Jack… Gabrielle started nibbling on his ear, distracting him something chronic. "I'll stop whenever you want," he promised weakly. He would stop if she asked, but he would find it hard.

"Fine. Just don't stop."

He started pumping her, trying to go as slowly as gently as he could but Gabrielle had this way of pressing her body tightly against his, of rubbing her legs against his, of nibbling on his ear and making highly erotic noises as she did that brought out the animal in him and he couldn't help it, he started pounding her hard and was rewarded when she started moaning louder. He brought one hand down between her legs and touched her in the most sensitive of spots until he had to use his free hand to clamp over her mouth as she started screaming.

His own climax came seconds after she went limp in his arms. He couldn't remember it being so intense – but then, it had never been with a friend he had both a deep emotional connection with and had been lusting after for months. He bit down on his lip to stop from screaming himself and shaking, almost collapsed on top of her after he was finished, propping himself up on his knees, reluctant to get off her.

When he finally did, he pulled her into his arms. She was shaking worse than he was. "Jack, what did you do to me?" she asked after a few minutes.

"What do you mean?"

"When you touched me before… what was that?"

His eyes went wide as he realised what she was talking about. "You've never had an orgasm before?" She started to protest and looked miffed when he started to laugh. "I'm sorry, but if you had no idea what that was – God, if I'd known, I would have gone easier on you."

"Why, was that the greatest weapon in the sexual arsenal of Jack Quade?"

"Um… I prefer not to think of it as a _weapon_ but yeah, I know how to go easier than that."

She snuggled deeper into his arms, if that were possible. "There's been a lot of women, haven't there?"

"Why do you want to talk about this?" he asked cautiously.

"I want to be good enough for you."

She said this in such a small voice that he pulled away from her so he could meet her eyes, and there he saw the insecurity that plagued her. "That was the most intense experience of my life," he said, his voice laden with sincerity. "I – Gabby, I've never been with a friend before, certainly not someone I love like you. You're not _bad_ and even if you were, it's just technique, I can teach you. But being with my best friend, that's something I can't have with anyone else."

"Wait – what did you just say?"

"You're my best friend and no-one else can give me this kind of experience."

"No, before that. About loving me."

"I do love you. I mean – not in _this_ was exactly, I need time to love you like a girlfriend. But I do love you as a mate."

"I love you too."

The rain was easing up. "We need to get moving before some highway patrol mistakes us for a breakdown." that, Jack thought, would be decidedly embaressing. He got dressed and pulled the seat back up, retrieving their bags. "Put on something dry."

"My clothes are dirty and I'd rather be wet than dirty."

"Don't be stupid, it's another three hours drive. You'll catch cold." He caught the stubborn look on her face. "Fine, but don't expect me to nurse you when you get sick."

"I can take care of myself," she said, and he saw in her face that stubbornness that wasn't worth arguing over. He kept driving, noticing more and more that Gabrielle was shivering, despite the fact he'd cranked the heating up, ignoring his own discomforting warmth. "Please, can you take your shirt off and put my jacket on?" Gabrielle reluctantly accepted the jacket, like he was doing her a favour.

Three hours later, they got home, and he ordered her into the shower. \she went willingly, chilled to the bone, and he didn't fail to notice that she spent half an hour in there, letting (what he hoped was) the hot water soak through the chilled bones. Curled up on the couch, he couldn't help but think about what had just happened. They had slept together. 'Slept together' being a loose term on account that whatever they had done, it had taken place on the back of his pulled-down hatch.

_Jesus Christ_. Of all the ways for him and Gabrielle to first get together. He had never meant for their first time to be so disrespectful, but…

She emerged from the bathroom, wrapped in a bathrobe too big for her. He realised it was his, and that despite its thickness, she was still shivering. "We need to talk," he said quietly. He needed to say to her all the things he'd meant to say in the past few months but –

"Please, Jack, I don't feel too well. I just want to go to bed." She coughed.

"I told you not to wear wet clothes."

She was well enough, but just barely, to glare at him. "Don't be mad at me."

"I'm not mad at you sweetheart, I'm just… frustrated. I wanted to talk to you and now you're sick. Go to bed, OK? I'll talk to you in the morning?"

Gratefully, Gabrielle shuffled off. He hadn't even said something about her wearing his robe; hers had felt too thin for the deep chills she felt despite having been under the shower for half an hour. Just a good night's sleep and she would be fine…

Jack _really_ didn't like the sound of that cough.


	2. Chapter 2

Where's Jaeger?" Frank asked the following day.

Jack made a face. "We got caught in the rain and she wouldn't get changed, said she'd rather wear wet clothes than dirty clothes. Last I checked she was coughing her guts out and curled up in bed. I tried getting her to go to a doctor but you know what she's like, she's convinced she can ride it out in a few days."

"_Can_ she?"

"I don't know. Frank, I can't make her do anything until she gets really sick and I can override her wishes. Until then, the best I can do is make sure she eats well and gets rest." And Gabrielle had looked too exhausted to do anything _but_ rest when he had left her early that morning.

He came home to find her curled up in the couch, wrapped up heavily, looking pale. "How are you feeling?" he asked. He put his hand over her forehead. She was hot and clammy.

"Cold," she mumbled.

"You need to go to hospital."

She glared at him. If she was cohesive enough to glare at him, there was no way he could force her to do anything. "I'll be fine. I'm not going to hospital so my staff can see me like this."

"Let me take you to St. Angela's then. Please, Gabby, you look awful."

"Well, I wasn't about to compete with Tanya Gregova anyway," she snapped. Jack chose to ignore that and fixed her dinner, making sure she ate it, along with a litre of water. She struggled with it. "I'm not hungry," she complained. "I just want to go to bed."

"Will you at least let me check your lungs?" he asked. He was really worried that she'd deteriorated so badly over one day. She must have already been sick with something and being out in the rain and then staying in wet clothes had just exacerbated it.

"Jack, don't. You're not my mother. I told you… please, I just need some rest, that's all." Biting his lip, Jack nodded. She was a grown woman and, even if he'd been her GP, he couldn't make her do anything until she became too out of it to know what she was doing. Right now, she might be fatigued, she might be feverish, but she wasn't delirious. "Do you need help with the dishes?" she offered weakly. Jack shook his head. She didn't look like she was capable of standing up for that long.

Gabrielle got up and shuffled towards her room. Now that her back was turned to Jack, she placed a supportive arm across her chest and waited for the pain to pass. The truth was, she hadn't been feeling well for a while, just a nagging sense of tiredness, and being out in the wet for so long had just kicked whatever she had into high gear.

She knew exactly what she had – or at least, she had some idea. But the idea of having to be admitted to hospital – it went against common sense for her to go anywhere but All Saints, she'd chosen this house because it was only a few blocks away – to be seen as this sick in front of her staff – well, it was bad enough for Jack to see her this sick.

She gripped the door frame to her room, worrying for a second that she might pass out. She knew if Jack knew just how sick she was, he'd force her to hospital, even if he had to call her family in Queensland and explain in that very patient, charming way that he was so good at that their daughter was sick and needed to be hospitalised and since she wasn't going, she'd need to be committed.

_Just give me a day or two_, she said, not really knowing who she was talking to. _A day or two top get better, and if I don't, I'll go to hospital_.

* * *

_Jack was on top of her, making love to her, making her feel like she could rule the world, making her feel loved and sexy and special and safe and protected, feelings that Steve had never evoked in her._

Steve_. Steve had to know. She struggled against Jack's hold, thinking she couldn't do this without Steve knowing about them. He wouldn't approve, wouldn't understand, but they had been through so much together than she couldn't start something with Jack without Steve at least knowing about it. She couldn't immerse herself in the relationship while the guilt of secrecy tormented her. And she so wanted to immerse herself in the relationship. Just a few minutes to be upfront with Steve and then she could move on with her life with Jack, leaving all the heartache of the past behind…_

_The more she tried to concentrate on Steve and letting him know, the more persistent Jack's hands were on her. Why wouldn't he stop for a few seconds so she could gather her thoughts? She needed to gather her thoughts. She needed to talk to Steve. "Want Steve," she mumbled. "Jack, stop it. Need Steve. Steve…"_

"OK, this has gone on long enough." Jack flipped the light switch and was horrified to realise just how sick she was. She had gone to great lengths to hide it – why, he didn't know except she was the most stubborn women he knew and she didn't like to admit she wasn't at the top of her game 100 of the time. Her cough had become increasingly frequent and acute in the past three days and she was looking worse and worse. It was her cough that had woken him up. But to actually see her in bed, shivering despite the heavy blankets, her skin wan, he realised just how sick she was.

He rushed over to her bed and was sickened to realise she'd been coughing up blood. She most likely had pneumonia, probably caused by acute bronchitis that she'd already had in its early stages, made worse by spending so much time in the rain then in wet clothes. He pulled her out of bed against her protests and was grateful that she didn't have the strength to fight him. He ran his stethoscope down her back and his heart skipped a beat to hear all that fluid in her lungs. He didn't know how she was managing to breathe.

"Jack, Stop it. Need Steve."

"I'll get him for you."

"Steve. Need to tell you something…"

She was awake and looking right at him without knowing who she was. She was delirious. That made things easier for him. "I'm taking you to hospital," he said.

"Not going. Don't want people to see me like this." She made a weak effort to get out of his arms but he held her easily. "Need to tell you… me and Jack… didn't mean… sorry…"

He'd heard enough. He needed to keep it together to take her to hospital and if he heard much more of her babbling about being sorry for what had happened between them, he was going to start thinking like a man instead of a doctor. "I'll take you to St. Angelas," he said, even though he knew talking back to someone who was delirious was stupid. He lifted her into his arms and out of bed. She lacked the strength to even wrap her arms around his neck for support.

* * *

"What the hell happened?" Zoe asked a short time later when Jack brought a still-weakly protesting Gabrielle into St. Angela's. "Why isn't she at All Saints, don't you guys live a few blocks from there?"

Jack made a face. "She'll kill me if I let the people who work for her see her like this. I had to wait until she was in this condition to override her wishes. She's got pneumonia."

"Thanks, Jack, but you're not licensed to work here and I think I can make the diagnoses myself." Her voice softened when she saw how distressed he looked. "What happened?" she asked. Jack chose his words carefully, explaining they'd gotten caught in the rain on the way back from Canberra and she'd been too stubborn to put on dirty but dry clothes, and had gone to some effort to hide just how sick she was from him, without admitting the reason they'd gotten caught in the rain. He eased her onto a bed and had to restrain himself from going over her himself. It killed him to see her like this.

"Steve," Gabrielle mumbled in her delirium. "Jack."

Jack grabbed her hand. "I'm here," he said.

"Need Steve," she said, and his heart wrenched. He knew she was delirious, but after what had happened between them, for the only thing to be on her mind to be _him_… Jack wondered if he'd been right all along, that she wasn't over him.

"Do you know if she was sick before this?" Zoe asked.

Jack bit his lip. "She seemed a bit lethargic and she had a cough but she was taking all these suppressants – God, I can't believe I missed it."

"It's not your fault. If she didn't want you to know how sick she was – maybe she didn't even want to admit it to herself." She looked at Jack sharply. Everyone knew how close they were, but this was something different to what she had last seen of them. True, it had been several months but there was something intense about Jack's distress that didn't come from just friendly concern. "I'm going to have her intubated and start on antibiotics." It was too early to say definitely what the problem was, but Zoe's initially impression concurred with Jack's; Gabrielle had pneumonia and had it pretty badly at that. "Then I want to talk to you. In private."

Gabrielle fought Zoe's attempts to intubate her and kept asking after Steve the whole time. If there was any extra proof needed for Jack's feelings towards her, it was there on his face whenever he called for Steve. He was in love with her. "You may as well tell me exactly what happened," Zoe directed him a few minutes later in her office. "You should know better than to without information."

So Jack admitted they'd gotten caught in the rain because they'd been fighting about weather or not he found her attractive until his temper – or was that ego? – had gotten the better of him and he'd hauled her out in a storm to prove otherwise. "I really tried to make her put on something dry and then I wanted to take her to hospital and she kept blocking me. God… I should have made her… I should have called her family and had them commit her or something." Jack raked his hand through his hair. "I should have known her better than to listen to her."

"Jack, listen. This is not your fault. I'd say she had bronchitis already, you don't get that sick that quickly just from being cold for a few hours. She was stubborn and irresponsible to let it go on as long as she did. We're going to treat her and since I know she's already blocked attempts to be treated, I can threaten her with being committed to make her comply. She knows how bad that will look on her record and anyway, she's in no position to fight us now. As for you two personally... do you know where she stands with Steve?"

"She said she was over him but now… she either calls for him or babbles about us like she thinks she's talking to him… she keeps freaking _apologising_ for it, like she – like she cheated on him or something." The irony wasn't lost on Jack.

Zoe reached out a comforting hand. "I'm sorry, but remember how sick she is. I know you don't like to think about it, but they do go a long way back. Maybe she just wants that familiarity."

Jack shrugged. He wasn't so sure.

* * *

_She was sick, so sick. She felt the tube down her throat and didn't have the strength to fight it. Where was Steve? She had to tell him about her and Jack. She wanted Jack by her side but felt guilty every time he touched her, would feel guilty until everything was out in the open._

_She could hear Jack talking softly, pleading with her to get better, sounding more like a boyfriend than a doctor, stroking her clammy skin gently. She stiffened at his touch, crying out for his affection on the one hand and feeling terribly guilty to be carrying on like this while Steve was in the dark. She needed to tell him, then everything would be OK and she could let Jack touch her in that loverly way he was trying to do. "Steve," she cried out._

_"I called him," Jack said, and suddenly Gabrielle was filled with paranoia. Steve heartily disliked Jack, and the feeling was mutual. She wouldn't put it past Jack to be lying._

_"Steve," she cried out again, and struggled against her lethargy and the tube down her throat, struggling to breathe as her fluid-filled lungs battled against her mounting hysteria…_

"Easy, Gabrielle. Jack, do not move any closer, you know perfectly well you can't treat her."

"You're just as much of a bossy bitch as you were at All Saints," Jack snapped at Jessica Singleton.

"And you're just as unprofessional when it comes to the women you're involved with," Jessica retorted. God, what was it about Jack that he brought out the child in her? "Look, I'm really sorry OK but you can't treat her. You shouldn't even be here, Zoe's only letting you stay as a favour. So back off and let me do my job, OK?" Jack nodded like a chastised child and sat down again, bringing her legs up against his chest and wrapping his arms around him. Jessica felt sorry for him. She hadn't always had a lot of respect for Jack for the way he kept falling for the wrong woman and making it ED business, but you couldn't be angry at a person who was looking so forlorn. "What's the deal with you two?" she asked. "You looked pretty cosy at the wedding."

"That was nothing, she was drunk," Jack said. "But we're mates and we were at that convention in Canberra a few days ago and a lot of stuff come up and…" he trailed off, blushing.

"Yeah, Jack, I know you're not very good at keeping your hands to yourself when you're keen on someone," Jessica said. "So is she still hung up on this other guy?"

"I don't know. And the stupid thing is, he won't even return my calls. He's got to have gotten my messages by now – God, if it was me, I'd be here in a flash." As it was, he was defying Frank's request to come to work. Zoe had called and explained what was going on and that, in her personal and professional opinion, she would not want someone as distressed as Jack was working in an ED; better to just give him the day off and let him stay by her bedside.

"I know," Jessica said sympathetically. Jack may have driven her bonkers with his lack of professionalism when it came to the women he was dating, but there was no denying that when he fell, he fell hard, and he had definitely fallen hard for this woman.

* * *

"Where the hell have you been?" Jack demanded aggressively after three days of Gabrielle asking for Steve. She may still have feelings for him but damned if he was going to deprive her of the person she felt so driven to speak to.

Steve glared at Jack. He was resentful that Jack was there by Gabrielle's side, resentful that Frank and Charlotte were giving him compassionate leave and making the rest of them fill in, resentful of Jack's stupid requests that he be there. Yeah, if she wanted him so much, why was it about _Jack?_ "She has you, I don't see why it matters," Steve said.

"Oh, tell me that you are not so childish that you're going to boycott a woman you've known for years because I happened to be there for her first?" Jack asked. "You think I like you? You think I would be coming to you if I didn't care about her? All she's done is cry about you. She –" Jack broke off, thinking about the way Gabrielle rejected his embraces, crying for Steve instead. It cut straight through his heart every single time. "She wants to see you and you must be less than human if you can't grant a woman that sick that wish."

Jack had feelings for her, Steve saw. No surprise there. Everyone knew what a skirt-chaser he was. Steve had no doubt that for Jack, Gabrielle was the last in a line of dozens – or hundreds. But he also saw his opportunity. "Fine, I'll be there by the end of the day," he grumbled.

And he was there by the end of the day. And she had turned a corner. She was no longer delirious, just sleeping very deeply and finding it hard to stay awake even when she awoke. Jack had left her with the solemn promise from Jessica that she would page him when she woke up.

It happened that Steve was there when she did wake. "Steve," she said breathlessly. "Did Jack call you?"

Steve feigned confusion. "No, Zoe did. Said you were really sick."

Her heart fell. So Jack had lied about calling Steve. She couldn't really blame him for feeling jealous, but still… "I need to tell you something," she said in that same breathless voice.

"No, you need rest."

Her heart palpitated, still weak, but she was determined. "I need to tell you something… so I can move on."

Steve didn't like the tone in her voice but there was something in her eyes – an honesty, an integrity. She had cried out for him constantly to be honest with him and here he was now and something in her eyes made him shiver. He had to deliver on this one. He didn't know why, but he knew it. He had to deliver if he had any hope of redeeming himself with her, even just as a friend. "Shoot."

"Jack and I… we were together. I mean, we slept together. Although I'm not sure that's the right word but… Steve, I love you. I will always love you. But you and I… it's over. I knew the second Jack kissed me. And if you can give it to me, I want your approval."

Steve gripped the edge of her bed. She had _slept_ with him? And the way she said it – what, had he taken her in some off-road camp somewhere? And she still wanted to be with him? "Why?" he managed to choke out.

"I know you don't like him but he's got such a sweet soul. I love him, Steve. He's my best friend and I love him… I love you, too, but in a different way. I know now that you and I are in the past and he – he is my future. I know you don't understand but I wanted you to know first."

"I understand you're about to get your heart broken," Steve said bitterly. "You think he has any idea of love? He screwed one of your nurses, for Christ sakes!"

"I know. And I know he's changed. Steve – maybe you will never understand but he's an amazing human being and I love him."

Steve saw the light in her eyes and knew there was no moving her. "Fine," he said pleasantly. "My blessings to you." He knew if he wanted to keep Gabrielle in his life, he needed to be OK with whatever relationship she embarked (somewhat stupidly) on with Jack Quade…

… _Steve, I love you. I will always love you. _That was all Jack bothered paying attention to as he passed by her room. She had been crying in her delirium for Steve for days, he knew he shouldn't be surprised. But to hear her say it – and right when he was bringing her flowers and chocolates…

He rushed away as fast as he could, not willing to listen to the last of the conversation. He holed himself up in the public toilets for an hour or so, trying to muffle his sobs as the truth sank in. She loved Steve. Their little tryst had probably been just what she'd needed to make her realise that. He'd made love to her with all his passion, all his strength, and all it had accomplished was making her realised she loved Steve.

_She loved Steve_.

It was another two hours before he was fully composed enough to swing by her room. "Hey," he said. He kissed her on the cheek chastely. No point in letting her think he was a creep who still had the hots for her. "I bought you these." He handed her the flowers and chocolates.

Lilies and centre-filled chocolates, her favourites. She and Steve had been together for so long she'd forgotten, and he'd never bothered to learn something like that. "Thank you," she said.

"You're welcome. I was really worried about you for a while. You should have told me you were that sick."

"Jack, I'm sorry. I really thought I could ride it through."

"It's OK. You're OK and you're going to get better – so long as you take care of yourself, which I intend to see to. And look, I'm sorry to bring this up while you're so weak but I think it's for the best." He gripped her hand. "I'm sorry for what happened between us and I wish… but I can't take it back and neither of us are in a position to be seeing someone so I think it's best we pretend it never happened."

He took the disappointment in her eyes to be relief. Relief to be out of the situation of having to turn him down because she had realized who she really loved. "I agree," she said in a small voice, scarcely believing he was dumping her when they hadn't even been together. But if Jack wanted to wriggle his way out, well, creating a scene wasn't going to achieve anything.

He smiled at her, determined to be an adult about it, and Gabrielle didn't realize how much unrequited love was in that smile. "Good," he said. He stroked her hair and kissed her forehead, determined that they should get back to being friends. "I love you, you know. As a mate." He forced himself to say the words.

"I know," she said, wishing desperately he loved her as something more.

* * *


	3. Chapter 3

"OK, what did Zoe say against you fighting me on this?" Jack asked, a little irritably. She hadn't liked being taken to his car in a wheelchair and she hadn't liked that she needed his support getting in the car. He was seriously tempted to drop her. Maybe falling on her face and breaking her nose would teach her not to be stubborn.

"I am not fighting you."

"Well, no, you're not – Bec's kitten can demonstrate more resistance than that pathetic attempt your making. But you are still fighting me and you were told not to." It was her very lack of strength that concerned Jack; she had trouble standing on her own for more than about thirty seconds, and she was easily short of breath. And rather than just concede she needed help, she was pitting what strength she did have against his. She couldn't match him even in perfect health and now, if it wasn't for the tragic loss of wellbeing that was behind her weakness, it would have been amusing to feel her attempts to fight his hold on her barely penetrate his sense of feeling.

"I can walk on my own."

Jack let go of her and watched carefully as she got four steps towards the front door of the home they shared and stumbled. He was there immediately, arms around her waist. "Zoe went to a lot of effort to have you released under my recognisance, you won't be so lucky if I have to admit you into hospital again."

That worked a treat and Gabrielle didn't protest anymore, letting him lead her into the house and laying her gently on the couch, fussing over her with blankets and pillows. Gabrielle was an appalling patient, and even when she had been moved into a recovery ward, Zoe had overseen her case. Gabrielle had cried foul about being forced to stay in hospital, both to Jack and Zoe, until Jack pleaded with Zoe to make a case with the head of the hospital. She really wasn't ready to go home but if a respected emergency physician and surgeon was willing to oversee her at-home recovery… and Zoe hadn't gotten to be head of an ED at her age by being stupid. She had legal write up a document giving Jack full responsibility for her health until she was completely well again, which meant Jack was legally entitled to turn around and have her readmitted if Gabrielle was going to resist any and all efforts to oversee her recovery. It was mostly to protect the hospital but it made Jack feel better to know he could force her hand, to know that should be all it took to make her submit to his care.

It had been three weeks since Jack had overheard Gabrielle confess her love to Steve, three agonising weeks in which he'd struggled to swallow his pride and disappointed and be a good friend to her. Steve, for reasons he didn't understand, wasn't around much, but that didn't surprise Jack. Steve didn't strike him as the kind of boyfriend who stuck around for the 'in sickness' part of 'in sickness and health'.

Three weeks in which her recovery had been slow. She'd finally admitted to feeling bad for over a month leading up to her almost-fatal bout of pneumonia, over a month in which she'd masked her symptoms with cough suppressants and vitamin supplements rather than rest and anti-biotics until her immune system was completely ground down. It had only been a matter of time until something came along and wrecked her health completely.

She couldn't admit to anyone, least of all Jack, how scared she had been, how scared she still was. She didn't like being so weak, so dependant on someone to get her from one room to another. She hated how weak her body was, how tired she felt. She hated not being able to do things for herself.

And most of all, she hated that since admitting he wasn't ready to get involved with someone, Jack had never deviated from the close friendship their had shared before their frantic tryst. How could he do that to her, say the things he had, and turn around and say he couldn't be with her? How could he have shared something so intense with her and then just walk away? The only thing Gabrielle could think of was that he didn't love her as much as he said he did. Or maybe he did, and his initially point had been right – he only loved her as a friend.

At least he had been honest about it. And for that reason, Gabrielle couldn't rebuff his friendship. No when he had been honest, not when he had been so supportive during her illness and recovery. Steve had dropped by twice in the three weeks – partly because he thought he was stepping on Jack's turf (ha, what a joke _that_ was now!) and partly because Steve had never done a good job when it came to caring for her when she was sick.

She needed Jack. Needed his friendship, needed his help. She couldn't get around without him, and without him she'd have to be readmitted into hospital. She knew Jack and Zoe were right, she should still be in hospital, but if she stayed there one more day she would go crazy. She was grateful to Jack for getting her released, knew he was taking a risk having her discharged when she really wasn't well enough, knew he was doing it because he loved her and wanted to make her happy. He loved her, but only as a friend. What she especially needed was for him to love her the way she wanted him to love her.

She put on a DVD while Jack made dinner. "You've been so good to me," she said gratefully when he was finished an hour later. She tore into chicken and mashed potatoes – she loved the way he did mashed potatoes. Actually, she loved the way he cooked, fullstop. She was good as simple means but Jack was an encyclopaedia of knowledge when it came to spices. "I've been a bit of a brat, I know."

"You've been sick, you're forgiven," he said. It was enough that she was actually resting instead of looking agitated, like she would get up and go back to work if it killed her. Which it possibly would. "I just want you to get better." And if the way she was tearing into that chicken was an indication, she was. She had lost about ten kilograms in hospital, and it was noticeable.

After dinner was finished and the dishwasher loaded, Jack sat down to watch the DVD with her – some awful romantic comedy which he was surprised was in Gabrielle's taste, but hey, she was the patient, she could to choose – and Gabrielle snuggled against him, her head on his shoulder. Gingerly, he put his arm around her. It wasn't even that she was too thin, it was that she shouldn't be this thin. He remembered holding her that fateful day in the back of his car and she'd felt so right, but now she was too damn skinny. But if she wanted a hug –

She remembered the way he used to hug her, he could be so exuberant and squeeze her until she was breathless and had to pull away, laughing about his bear hold. He'd always been a bit sheepish, said he liked hugging her and he was sorry if he hurt her. Which he never did, but sometimes he could take the wind out of her, even as she loved the way he was so affectionate when no-one was around. She missed those hugs now and wanted to ask him to hug her properly. But she wasn't going to beg. If he wanted to put walls up, she wasn't about to plead to take them down. After a few minutes, she broke away and watched the movie sitting next to him, longing to be held the way he used to hold her.

* * *

"So, I win the horsie?"

"OK, firstly, it's a _knight_, not a horsie, and secondly, you didn't _win_ it, it has to go back in the box after the game."

Gabrielle inspected her prize as if it were of actual value rather than a small wooden chess piece. Jack had been trying to teach her how to play all evening, and kicking her ass, even as he dumbed down his own skill. Winning the horsie made her feel good, even if she'd just put her queen in peril to do so.

She'd been bored stupid in the last week. Even with as much as she slept, there was only so much reading and DVD-watching you could do. She looked forward to Jack coming home every day – and Jack had managed to extract some pretty sweet shifts out of Charlotte so he could spend more time with Gabrielle. She had no idea what he'd traded for it but she was touched he cared so much. Now, if only he would hug her the way she wanted him to…

He'd finally offered to teach her how to play, largely because she was so damn competitive and studying the game would kill a fair chunk of time for the next few weeks. Learning that the pieces weren't called _castles_ and _horsies_ would be a good start, he thought as he eliminated her queen. In two more moves he had her king check-mated. "But I still win the horsie?" she asked. He, at least she had gotten _one_ of his pieces from him.

"No, the knight goes back in the box."

Gabrielle beamed. "So, he's like a dark knight?" she asked.

"It's a piece of wood, it doesn't have a gender," Jack said. He couldn't help but smile. She was cute. If she demonstrated enough interest to learn how to play properly, she might even be a decent match for him. "But yes, I guess you could call _it_ a dark knight."

"Cool. I'm going to call him Heath." And she put the piece in her pocket.

"Why Heath?"

"You don't see many movies, do you?" she asked with a smirk.

"I see plenty of movies, they just tend to have subtitles," Jack said indignantly. He liked seeing her smile, even if it was just a smirk. "And you can't keep the piece. Give it back."

She backed away from him. She had wound him up, and she liked watching him react when he was wound up about his ignorance of popular culture. He preferred hefty books and foreign films to popular stuff and didn't like being teased about it. But she knew just when to stop before he got really upset. "Make me," she said.

"Gabby, c'mon, give the knight back."

"It's mine, I won it."

"Don't think I won't touch you to get my piece back," he threatened. She stared at him defiantly and he lunched for her swiftly enough to knock her on her back. She squealed as he went for her pocket, retrieving the piece moments before he could, keeping it clutched in her fist. He was on top of her, knees on either side of her body, one hand pinning her wrists together over her head, the other trying to pry open her fingers. It was such a childish situation and she giggled because it had been ages since Jack hadn't thought about what he was doing when it came to touching her and she missed that spontaneity.

She reached up to kiss him, and was rewarded by having her kiss returned. In a second, the knight was forgotten and he was pushing his tongue into his mouth, searching hers, meeting it, kissing her forcefully, her kissing him back with as much force as they lay on the living room floor. She wrapped her arms around his neck and whimpered with delight as he started trailing kisses down her neck. Everywhere his lips touched left a trail of heat.

Oh, god, he'd forgotten how good kissing her was. How could he ever deny this? He was crazy about her, and the world faded away and it was just him and Gabrielle and he wanted to take her to bed and consummate his love for her until they were exhausted...

She tried to arch her back so she could press her body against his but the effort of fighting Jack's hold on her (how come it had felt so much less in the back of his car?) to do so was too much for her, and she collapsed against the floor.

Jack, feeling her go limp, snapped out of his daze and realised what had just happened. He didn't know exactly what the deal was with her and Steve right now, but telling him she loved him was pretty damning evidence of their reconciliation. He'd just made out with another guy's girlfriend. He may not like Steve much, but that was a line Jack had never knowingly crossed.

Well, now he had. Gabrielle had kissed him when she was involved with Steve – to what degree, Jack didn't know, but she had to be involved with him, she'd told the guy she loved him – and he was crazy enough about her to kiss her back, despite her having a boyfriend, despite knowing she wasn't meant to be exerting herself.

She had started it, but he had let it continue. She had made him what he hated, a man who didn't respect the boundaries of a relationship.

He scrambled off her. "Are you _insane_?" he asked angrily. "You stupid slut! You know you're not supposed to exert yourself and –" he couldn't bring himself to talk about infidelity. "I really don't care what's going on with the two of you, but I told you before to leave me the hell out of it. Now give me my knight back."

Gabrielle handed it to him, stunned at how quickly things had deteriorated. What had she said or done that had gotten jack so angry at her in just a few seconds? As Jack stormed off to his room – Gabrielle could heard the slick of the lock mechanism sliding into place on his bedroom door from across the house – she felt tears coming to her eyes.

What the hell was his problem? OK, maybe kissing him hadn't been a great idea in light of the fact she didn't have the strength to do anything more, even though she had _wanted_ to go to bed with him, had been willing, in those steamy moments, to push herself to accomplish it, so that explained the _stupid_ but why had he called her a slut? Did he think she was desperate after he had already turned her down? Was he not interested in her despite being hot for her? Would he rather have someone like Tanya, who didn't get all giggly of chess pieces and call them the wrong names? Whatever it was, he wasn't interested in her. Oh, he might be hot for her but he would never get romantically involved with her.

She started to cry in earnest, not caring that Jack might come in any moment. Not that it mattered, Jack was in his room, steaming over her little stunt, and the fact he'd wanted her badly enough to forget she was seeing someone else.

* * *

"You've been in a particularly foul mood all day," Steve commented the next day. "I know you don't like me but we have to work together so spill or stop sulking."

"I'm not sulking."

Steve laughed at Jack. "My nephew can be more of an adult than you're acting right now. Is it about Gabby?"

Jack glared at Steve. He didn't like the way the man just assumed it was about Gabrielle, even though it was. "Why don't you ask her yourself, you're supposed to be really close."

Steve just stared at Jack. He'd had little to do with Gabrielle since she'd admitted she and Jack had slept together and she was in love with him. It pained him to do so but he knew he would achieve nothing by trying to interfere with their relationship – knowing Gabrielle's stubbornness, it would just drive them closer together, and knowing Jack's temper when it came to Gabrielle, he might end up with a broken nose. "You're the one who's taken time off work to play nursemaid," he pointed out. They were pretty stretched with Gabrielle off sick and Jack down to forty hours a week, but Charlotte had pointed out Jack had a knack for making her obey doctor's orders and it was the only solution which didn't involved Gabrielle constantly straining herself.

Steve hadn't spoken to Gabrielle about her relationship with Jack since that day, largely because he didn't want to know the details. If he had, he would have realised they weren't together and she was a free agent.

"Because you're too selfish to be there for her," Jack snapped. "She was crying for you for a week before you bothered to front up. I really don't know what she sees in you but she thinks you're wonderful."

"Whatever." Steve had the day off tomorrow and Jack was working, so he made a mental note to go and see Gabrielle and find out what was happening between the two of them.

She looked better than she had since he'd seen her last in the hospital. Gabrielle really didn't like being a patient, and just being an out-patient did her the world of good. She still looked tired and pale but a hell of a lot further from death than she had been a few weeks ago. "Come in," she said.

"I hope I didn't wake you."

"No, I couldn't sleep so I was watching a DVD. I'm so bored sometimes I want to scream."

"That'll teach you next time not to ignore a cough. Look, I'm sorry I haven't been around much but it scares me whenever I see you looking so bad, and anyway, I was trying to give you and Jack some space."

Gabrielle's smile was bitter. "That was a wasted effort," she said. "Jack made it clear when I woke up that he wasn't ready to be in a relationship." She shrugged, and Steve could see the hurt in every movement. "I don't know if he's not ready to be in a relationship, or he's not ready to be in a relationship with _me_."

"Don't be like that. You have plenty to offer a guy."

_Yeah, then why did you cheat on me?_ But she didn't say it. "If you met his ex, you'd understand. She's gorgeous, brilliant – I bet she doesn't go around giving chess pieces names."

"I'm sorry?"

"Never mind. You want a coffee? I was just summoning the energy to make some."

"I'd love a coffee." It didn't occur to Steve to offer to make it for her. He stood in the kitchen with her, talking while she fussed with the coffee machine. "That's new," he commented.

"It's Jack's. He's a coffee snob and he's turning me into one. I think that thing's worth more than his car."

Steve laughed. "Guy did always have some interesting priorities."

"You can talk. I always thought you loved that ute of yours more than you loved me, for all that it was worth, what, a few grand?"

"I always thought you were jealous of it. You know, the way you deliberately spilt beer on it."

"I did not! You went way too fast around that corner." But she was laughing, and she felt good. Steve made her feeling good, which was salve on her ego the way jack had rejected her, and in such humiliating fashion, too. She went quiet for a sudden. "I kissed him a few days ago, and he kissed me back and then he called me a stupid slut for it. I have no idea what I did but – Steve, he'll take me in the back of his car but he's not interested in a relationship with me. How much of a cliché is that? Nurse puts out for the macho surgeon then finds herself dumped a few days later."

"He's an idiot," Steve proclaimed. "How anyone can dump you is beyond me."

Gabrielle smiled weakly. That Steve had been idiot enough to first cheat on her and then walk out on her was something she chose not to bring up. She was having a good time with him and his company was salve to her wounded ego. She felt the tears start and she fought them back. "Hey, he doesn't deserve it," Steve said soothingly.

"I can't help it. He's so attentive as a friend and a doctor but - he got so angry with me a few days ago when I kissed him, he called me a slut. I don't know how he can do it, make such a distriction between friendship and - and someone he considers worth of being his girlfriend? What, did putting out for him in the back of his car automatically disqualify me?"

"Of course not. Or if it did, that's his problem. He's an ass, Gabby. You can do better."

She was sobbing now, and his heart went out to her. He'd never stopped loving her and for Quade to treat her the way he had - the guy had no idea what a good thing he was turning down.

Impulsively, Steve kissed her. He didn't know what he was thinking, just that he felt so intensely about her in that moment and he wanted to make her feel good. He wanted to make himself feel good, and she'd always done that for him.

Gabrielle was surprised at the kiss, but let him kiss her. And a few seconds later, she kissed him back. It felt different then it had before, less intense. She'd always been a sucker for Steve's kisses but now - there was a niceness in being wanted and a residual desire but nothing more than that.

Nothing like the intense heat she'd felt when Jack had kissed her, the way she'd wanted to be completely consumed by him, the way it had felt like she couldn't get her body close enough to his, even when she had her legs wrapped around his waist and his hands were roaming her bare skin with abandon...

Well, Jack didn't want her anymore and Steve did.

She allowed Steve to lift her up and carry her to her room, smothering her with kisses that she passively accepted. At least his breath didn't reek of alcohol the way it once had - that was something. "C'mon, sweetheart," Steve urged. "I remember when you were a lot more responsive than this. You do want it, don't you?"

Yes, she wanted it. Rather, she wanted to be wanted, and she was too upset to realise the difference. Obligingly, she touched Steve the way he liked, running her hands down his back, kissing his chest as sje unbuttoned his shirt - he'd always loved to be touched, although it was often a one-way street for him. The amount he'd kissed her already was something of a record for him.

She got on top of him - he liked it when she did that too - and worked her way down his body. She didn't know where she was getting her energy from, only that she didn't want to disappoint Steve, not when he was the only man interested in her. Steve murmered appreciatively as she got to his pants and started undoing his belt. Her fingers played teasingly on his groin until she had the result she wanted. "I've missed you, baby," he said.

He undressed her and fingered her briefly, impatiently. Foreplay had never been his strong suit. She'd never minded before but now -

She thought about Jack in the rain, how much he got off on making her inhumanely wet, how important it was to him to have her in a frenzy before he took her. Well, that was just the mark of a Don Jaun, he couldn't have it getting out that he was a bad lay now, could he?

She could sense Steve was getting impatient. If she wasn't so lonely, so upset - but she had come this far, she may as well finish. She guided him into her and was surprised at how awkward it felt. It had never felt awkward like this with Steve before. Oh, sure, foreplay and caring about weather or not she was ready hadn't exactly been his foreplay, but it had been worse than this some times and it hadn't felt this unnatural.

She fought back the voice in her head that told her it was kind of hard to settle for someone as selfish in bed as Steve after having been with Jack. Well, Steve might be selfish in bed, but he was there when she needed a friend - and boyfriend - which was more than could be said for Jack. Steve wanted her, Jack didn't.

She rode him for the few minutes it took and slumped down on the bed, exhausted after it was over. She hadn't come, hadn't been close, and that suddenly irritated her.

"That was great," Steve said a few minutes later. Boy, he never thought he'd get to experience that again. "How you feeling?"

Like she hadn't come, Gabrielle thought irritably. She didn't know why it was bothering her. It wasn't like it was any worse than most of the times they had been together. "Tired," she said, exhaustion suddenly engulfing her. "It's probably best if you go home. You know I don't sleep well when I share my bed."

That wasn't true. She knew if she was lying in Jack's arms...

_Don't think about him_, she ordered herself. _He doesn't want you._

Steve was hurt that Gabrielle didn't want him to stay, but didn't push it. Besides, he didn't want to be around when Jack got home. The guy was a creep. Steve wondered if he could talk Gabrielle into making him move out. Probably not, she was so bloody loyal, even to those who didn't deserve it.

When Steve was gone, Gabrielle felt a deep sense of lonliness wash over her, worse than before she had let Steve take her to bed. She'd just slept with a man she had no feelings for beyond friendship, very little attraction to, trying to get over a man who had no feelings for her beyond friendship.

She wanted to cry, but instead, fatigue swept over her and she slipped into a deep sleep.

She could barely keep herself upright to eat dinner, despite the fact she said she'd been sleeping all day. Jack was worried. It was like something had completely wiped her out, and in her current weak state, that was no good.

He frowned. Something... or _someone_. "Steve over today?" he asked, trying to keep his voice neutral even while he wanted to hunt the bastard down for putting his hands on her. _Cool it, jealousy will get you nowhere_.

Gabrielle looked blank. Even though she'd slept for several hours between Steve leaving and Jack getting home, she still felt exhausted. She knew she had overexerted herself with the sex and it was one more thing to feel gulity about. Jack ran his hand over the side of his neck to indicate the massive hickey Steve had given her. Gabrielle blushed deeply. "You idiot," he said with such icy coldness that made her flinch. "Why don't you go run a marathon instead, it has to be less demeaning than having sex with someone who's too sellfish to make you climax and they'd both ruin your health, the condition you're in."

She trembled under his anger. "How dare you," she hissed. "I seem to recall someone telling me who they slept with was none of my business."

"It is my business when I'm responsible for you health," Jack snapped. "God, what is it about this guy that you'd rather behave like a stupid slut than give a shit about your health?"

He regretted the words as soon as they were out of his mouth, but by then it was too late. She shook violently, so violently he was immediately worried. "Fuck you, Jack!" she yelled, adrenaline giving her strength she didn't possess. He was lecturing her on what she could and couldn't do in her private life after he had used her and discarded her? "I hate you!"

He was chilled to the bone by the fury of her words. Did she really hate him, or was she just saying things in anger? Whatever it was, she needed to control herself. She didn't have the strength to have a tantrum. "Calm down," he said mildly. "Before you give yourself a heart attack."

But she was too far gone to think about her heart or anything but Jack's rejection and hypocritical judgment. He didn't want her but was happy to judge her for being with anyone else. Typical macho surgeon. _He_ could sleep with anyone he wanted, but if she did it – "Go to hell, you never gave a shit about me."

"That's not true!" Jack yelled back, despite the fact he was trying to calm her down.

He was answered with her throwing the contents of her water glass in his face. "I hate you!" she yelled again. She could _feel _her heartbeat rising, feel her blood surging towards nowhere good, but she couldn't stop herself. Every scrap of rejection and hurt she'd felt in the last few weeks had come to the surface and she had to get it out. "You only think of me as one of your precious patients! You won' t touch me but you act like a jealous boyfriend if anyone else does! What, am I supposed to become a nun now that you're done with me? Wait, you've already gone down that path, haven't you? You're pathetic, Jack. I hate you. I ha–"

He words were cut off when she suddenly gripped the table and tried to breathe. She was rewarded for her attempts with a chocking wheeze. She felt her heart hammering in her chest like a runaway train and –

Jack was by her side before she had time to faint, his hand over her heart. It went from racing to sluggish and then – _oh, God_. He lay her on the floor and fumbled with his phone, trying to call an ambulance and administer CPR at the same time. Panic and regret flooded his body like a bitter taste. She was right, he'd acted like a jealous boyfriend. He shouldn't have goaded her. He should have let it go. He should have – "Please," he begged her after he'd called for an ambulance. They would automatically take her to All Saints, but he didn't care. His voice was choked with threatening tears, with fear, a sickening fear that he was going to lose to woman he loved and it was all his fault. "Please, please, _breathe._"


	4. Chapter 4

_Thanks to **let1986** for suggesting the ending - it was originally going to end a few pars before (once you get there, you'll know what I mean) and thanks to everyone who read and responded. I have a new fic in mind, similar to Affair, retelling the events of s11 from their perspective, but it won't get published until I get home in a month or so because **let1986** had graciously agreed to be a beta writer and quite frankly, I'm sick of writing on the fly :) Hope you enjoy..._

"Take the pills, Jack, or so help me God, I'll have you thrown out of this hospital. You're no good to anyone like this."

Jack obediently took the strong sleeping pills Charlotte had prescribed him and made the motion of swallowing. "Open your mouth," Charlotte instructed, and Jack realized she was going to make sure he took them. He reluctantly swallowed them for real and let Charlotte check that he'd taken them. "Now lie down. I'm staying here until you're asleep or you're likely to go running off to ICU. Don't look at me like that, I know you'd do it."

"I want to be there when she wakes up," he said. "If she dies -" panic flooded him. It had been his constant worry the past day. Every time her heart stopped he'd been in a frenzy of panic and guilt that she would die and it would be all his fault. She couldn't die, not when he loved her so much. He'd rather see her with Steve then die.

"She's not going to die. You're not thinking clearly and this is why you need to sleep. You know I've been generous with you, letting you stay here when I could call security and have you thrown out. Now lie down and go to sleep."

Obediently, Jack lay down on the bed in the consult room Charlotte had secured for him. She'd had to pry him from Gabrielle's ICU bedside with the threat of having him thrown out by security. For the past day, he had watched her frantically, worrying, hoping, guilt written on his face. Guilt - and love.

"What's the deal with you guys?" Charlotte asked. "I know you're close but I didn't realize you love her."

"It doesn't matter, she doesn't love me," Jack said. "She probably hates me now, after the things I said to her." He'd been rambling about calling her a slut ever since the ambulance had brought her in.

"Jack, I don't understand. Why don't you walk me through what happened - from the beginning, not from today."

So Jack filled her in about the fight they'd had on the way back from Canberra, about their frantic tryst in the back of his car. "It sounds so sleazy but it felt so - like I was meant to be with her," he said. "She knows things about me and I loved her even before that and to be with someone I loved like that - " Jack broke off, shuddering at the thought that he might have killed her. He went on to say how Gabrielle had gotten really sick before he'd been able to talk to her about what had happened and then she'd called for Steve constantly in the hospital, and how he'd overheard her telling the guy she loved him and how he'd fought to keep his distance ever since. "I can't turn my feelings off but I can't make her love me back, either," he cried. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I think - I think maybe it's best if I got a transfer to somewhere else."

Charlotte's heart went out for him. He was clearly in a lot of pain. But things weren't adding up. If Steve and Gabrielle were back together, he'd be shouting it from the rooftops. Besides, in Charlotte's opinion, they didn't have that kind of chemistry, and never had - at least, not the kind that had been simmering away between Gabrielle and Jack for months now.

She waited for Jack to go to sleep and left him to his tortured dreams and called Zoe at St. Angelas.

A few hours later, she got a call from ICU that Gabrielle was awake. "Can you do me a favour, don't let anyone from this ward see her other than me," Charlotte asked. "Doctor Quade and Doctor Taylor are partly behind this and I don't need them taking their squabbling to her while she's in this state."

Instead, she went to see Gabrielle when she was off for the day. "You gave us quite a scare," she said. "I had to put Jack out with sedatives, he feels terrible."

Gabrielle struggled to focus on Charlotte. "I feel awful," she said. Awful and weak, so weak. "My rib hurts."

"Jack fractured it giving you CPR."

She struggled to sit up, and winced from the pain. "He could have been more gentle."

"Your heart stopped. Stopped four times, actually, including the time at your place. You're incrediblly lucky he was there. I assume you'd rather be alive with a fractured rib then dead?" Gabrielle nodded.

"I want to go home," she blurted out.

"Jack's still your physician and he won't allow that."

"No, I mean, I want to go home to my family. To Queensland. I can't - I can't stay here. I can't be around Jack." For the last few hours she'd been lying here, thinking about their awful fight, the things they had said to each other. She knew she was lucky to be alive, Charlotte didn't need to tell her that, and knew so long as she was around Jack, she would never be calm enough to properly recover. Just thinking about him made her heart ache, the heart that was under so much pressure right now.

She had decided the best thing for everyone was to go home. Screw Jack's stupid piece of paper that Zoe had made her sign, her parents could override that.

"You can't be serious. What the hell happened between you guys that you feel you have to run away?"

Gabrielle felt the tears start to fall. "We slept together," she admitted, her tone betraying all the disgust she felt. "In the back of his goddamn car, God, I remember thinking how silly Rachel had been to give into him so easily but at least she had the dignity of actually being in his bed and spending the night with him. I'm just some tacky cliche, the nurse who spread her legs for the first surgeon who said he loved her. He called me a slut and he's right."

Charlotte frowned. "Jack does love you, and he'd be horrified to hear you talk like that. He could never treat you like that - you mean the world to him, you have for some time now. He couldn't treat you that disrespectfully as more than he could me. Look, I've been trying to put things together and things aren't adding up. Jack is distarught, he thinks you and Steve are back together and I know that's not true, Steve would be shouting it to the rooftops if it were."

Gabrielle's face wrinkled in confusion. "I've barely seen Steve since I got sick. At least, not before - " she sank into her pillow, remembering the way Jack had looked at her when he'd realised she'd slept with Steve. With disgust. Maybe he was right, maybe she was a slut. What else did that make a person who compromised their health to fill a void of lonliness?

"Jack says you were crying out for him when you were really sick, for the week before you came to. I called Zoe and she confirmed it. She said it was agonising just watching Jack's reaction everytime you did it."

"I don't remember. I don't - I don't remember him being there."

"He was. I had to give him time off, he was no good to me if he was just going to worry about you."

She sighed. "I had no idea."

"And then - he said he overheard you tell Steve you loved him, that you always would."

Her breath was caught in her throat when Charlotte said that, and the memories of her distraught dreams came back to her. Of needing to speak to Steve so she could tell him about her and Jack, of calling out to him and finding only Jack. "I wanted to tell him about Jack and I," she said. "I wanted - I mean, I felt I couldn't truly commit to Jack without Steve knowing about it. I wanted Steve to know so we could be together and I wouldn't feel guilty about it. I told him I'd always love him as a friend - I said that, Char, _as a friend_."

It was begining to make sense. Jack had overheard the 'I love you' part and figured the best thing to do was bow out gracefully. And they'd both been too proud, too stubborn to hash things out. "I can't imagine he'd stick around after hearing you declare your love to somone else, especially Steve," Charlotte said.

Gabrielle was starting to add things up in her mind. For Jack to hear her constantly cry out for his ex, to hear her declaring her love for said ex - she knew how deeply Terri's distraction with Mitch had affected him and that the last thing he'd want to do was go through that again. No wonder he'd bowed out of the idea of them being together. "I can't believe he heard all that," she said.

"Zoe said it just about destroyed him. And yet, he stayed with you. He stayed with you when he thought you and Steve were back together because he loves you. I don'y know how he's managed to stand it."

Gabrielle started to cry in earnest. For him to hear all that - for him to love her the way he did and hear he cry out for another man. All that time he'd been by her side, looking after her, protecting her, when he wanted to be with her but wanted to respect her relationship. No wonder he'd called her a slut when he'd kissed him; he'd thought she was cheating, and that was something he couldn't abide. "I've completely screwed things up."

"I'll talk to him."

She shook her head weakly. "You don't understand. We said things to each other - he must hate me now."

"I think you underestimate how he feels about you. I think a few right words and it will be all Frank can do to restrain Jack from having a go at Steve for taking advantage of you. Don't blame yourself for this. You were lonely and Jack's the last person to judge for using sex to fill that particularly void. He'll be out for a little while longer but I'll talk to him when he wakes up." Gabrielle looked dubious but Charlotte was confident things would work out, now that she was armed with thw knowledge of what had really happened between them - and in their heads.

She was sitting by Jack's bed when he woke up. "Is she OK?" was the first thing he asked.

"She's as fine as she can be given her heart stopped four times. But she's so week and it will be a long time before she's better. So I need you to listen to me and not fly off the handle and confront her." Jack nodded, and Charlotte explained what Gabrielle had told her. "She's barely seen him since she got sick, and when they slept together - it was incredible irresponsible, Jack, and she knows that. But she was devastated when you rejected her and she didn't know why. She was lonely, and you've done plenty of stupid things when you were lonely." She saw Jack blanche and knew she was winning. Jack was too self-honest to judge Gabrielle for things he had done himself. "She's convinced you see her as just anohther conquest."

"That's not true!"

"I know that. But try to see it from her perspective. She thinks you lost interest in her after you slept with her and you have to admit, it wasn't exactly the classiest of situations to begin with. I can't believe you lost control like that."

"It was her idea! I said I could wait but she..." Jack trailled off when he saw the look on Charlotte's face.

"This is precisely why the two of you ended up in such a mess," she admonished him. "You keep flying off the handle. As I was saying, you have to try seeing it from her perspective. She thinks you dumped her after she put out. She thinks she's just another conquest - not a word, I told you to let me finish. I know perfectly well that's not how you feel about her but that how she took the situation. And I know that the way you saw it, when she kissed you she was cheating on Steve, but she wasn't because they weren't together, and when you called her a slut, she took it as you rejecting her all over again. Surely you can understand that when Steve came along he was balm on her ego?"

"He took advantage of her," Jack whispered, anger mounting towards the older man.

"Yeah, he did. But you're not to do anything about that, OK? The last thing she needs is you fighting with him. She needs you, Jack. She loves you. But it's going to take her a long time to get better and you need to commit to her or walk away completely. She doesn't need you screwing things up." Jack nodded. "Look, it's two now, yeah? I've told Doctor Winters not to let you into ICU so you don't upset her but I'll tell him to tell you in after five. That will give you some time to think about what you want to do."

"I want to be with her," Jack said resolutely. "I want to take care of her."

"I know. But you're groggy and you shouldn't make a commitment like that when you're groggy. Give it a few hours. It's already been several weeks, what's a few more hours going to matter?" And she left Jack to contemplate his next move.

He couldn't believe he'd let things get so out of hand. If only he'd made her get changed so she didn't get sick and they could have talked as soon as they got home. If only he hadn't been stubborn, if only he'd given her a chance to explain about loving Steve. If only he'd restrained himself until they'd gotten home and he could have had her in the warmth and respectability of his bed. _If only_.

He thought about how frightened he'd been everytime her heart stopped, the agonising seconds slipping past as they tried to restart it, thinking how much he loved her and how he could be losing her and it was all his fault. He should have made his feelings clearer. He should have given her the love and respect she deserved, instead of - instead of rejecting her and calling her a slut.

_He'd called her a slut_. He couldn't believe he'd done that. He wouldn't blame her for hating him.

The minutes couldn't go by fast enough and on the dot of five, he was down in ICU. She was sleeping and he sat down next to her bed, watching her. She looked awful, her skin was a sickening shade of grey and she looked thinner than ever. Her hair - there was no sheen to it and her lips were pale. He touched her skin and was scared by how clammy it was.

But she'd get better. Charlotte had said so and Doctor Winters had said so. She might look awful but she was going to get better with the right treatment and plenty of rest. And Jack would make sure she got both.

He refused to leave when visiting hours were up, and Doctor Winters knew better than to argue. Besides, he was behaving himself, sitting quietly and not trying to wake her. And Winters knew the look on Jack's face. It was pure devotion. He wasn't about to let anything bad happen to her.

So Jack watched her, hour after hour, thinking about how important she was to him and how he didn't know what he'd do without her. And as the hours slipped by he found himself more and more tired until he found it hard to fight sleep. He'd just lay his head down on the edge of the bed for a few minutes and...

* * *

_Jack came up behind her as she was cooking, wrapping his arms around her waist and nuzzling her neck. "I love the way your body just fits with mine," he murmered, and she agreed heartily. She shivered as he ran kisses along her nack, playing with her fingers with his. She'd always known he was a tactile man, but this..._

_She turned to face him so they could kiss. He was gentle, so gentle, and that thing that had been missing with Steve - there it was. She whimpered as he probed her mouth with his tongue, exploring with infinite care and interest. He wanted to know every inch of her body and she wanted the same from him..._

_After a few minutes of kissing he pulled away from her, smiling at her with his mouth and his eyes. God, she loved that special smile he reserved only for her. She smiled back, a smile reserved only for him. "Make love to me," she requested, and it was a request Jack couldn't deny. He picked her up - God, she loved the way he made her feel so delicate and weightless - and carried her into his room, laying her down on the bed and running his hands the length of his body with respect and adoration..._

_An ugly image entered her brain, oblitering the image of Jack's gentle and loving attention. Of him pounding her with little consideration for how dirty it made her feel, his eyes shut tightly the way Rachel had said he'd done, unwilling to look at her while he was screwing her. Fucking her._

_He pulled out as soon as he was done and rolled onto his back, his gaze trained on the ceiling. She tried to snuggle up to him but his body was rigid. "Jack?" she asked tentatively. "Did I do something wrong?"_

_"No, but you forget your place," he snapped. "I don't want to cuddle you. You're only good for one thing. If not me, then Steve, and if not Steve, then someone else. Don't pretend like you're not a slut."_

_He words were like a knife through the heart. _Don't pretend like you're not a slut_. She was good for just one thing. She felt tears spring in her eyes. Jack was never going to love her the way she wanted him to..._

She woke up crying, and it took her a few seconds to comprehend that Jack was sitting at the edge of her bed, his head against the matteress. Had he been here all night? Why had he gone to the effort? It wasn't like she was going anywhere, he could come back anytime and have a captive audience.

She reached out weakly to touch him, her hand landing awkwardly on the back of his head. She twisted his hair through her fingers, marvelling at how silky it felt. But then, Jack had always taken care when it came to hygiene and appearance.

The motion woke him up - it wasn't liek you could fall into a deep sleep in a sitting position against a hospital bed. "Hey," he said softly when he raised is head. He looked at her curiously. "You've been crying."

"Bad dream."

"About me?" She turned her head away. He cupped it with his hands and forced her to look at him. She didn't struggle, didn't have the strength to and knew she couldn't afford to fight him. "What was it about?"

"You were - it started out so nicely, you were gentle and loving and respectful - and then - it was like all I could think about was the things Rachel said about you, about the way you wouldn't meet her eyes and that you only wanted her because she was there. And I guess I incorporated that into my dream."

"I'm sorry, Gabby. I wish you'd never known that side of me."

"Jack - did you mean what you said? About - about me being a slut?"

He looked shocked. "Of course not. I would never - I was pissed off that you'd been careless and I was jealous. The thought of his hands on you makes me sick. I want you all to myself."

The vhemance of his last two words surprised her - pleasantly do. "Do you mean that?" she asked. "I mean, I thought after everything - you've never touched me as anything but a friend and doctor since that day and... Jack, I hated it when you hugged me and it felt like you were only doing it out of obligation."

"I hated feeling how thin you were," he admitted. "I'm never more aware of how sick you are when I can feel your ribs when I hug you. I'm sorry if I made you feel like I didn't find you attractive. I _always_ found you attractive, even when you look like you're about to keel over."

"Really? You always found me attractive?"

"Yeah. Look, I'm sorry for the things I said - I should never have said them. I was angry - and jealous. I wanted to hurt you 'cos - it hurt me to think about you with him."

"Jack..." as ugly as his words had been, to know they had come from jealousy made it hard for her to hold them against him. Her fingers fluttered weakly in a motion to hold his hand, and he reached for it eagerly. "I told you that day how I felt about him. I do love him, and I always will. But only as a friend. I wish you had stuck around to hear that."

"I'm not in the habit of sticking around to hear what comes after the woman I love declaring her love for her ex," Jack said gruffly, and she knew by the way his voice was choking up that he was near crying.

"Can you please just kiss me?" she asked breathlessly, and he did as he was told. She shuddered as his lips met hers. It was better than in her dream, better than when she'd kissed him last, better than the time in the rain, certainly better than her drunken move on him. Why did all their kisses seem to have some forbidden edge to them? She wanted to be able to kiss him freely.

She whimpered as he maneuvered himself to touch her better, his free hand running along her too-thin frame, cupping her face, his lips running over her neck then back to her lips, his tongue running across her lips and probing her mouth... She put her hand on the back of his head, trying to get as close to him as she could manage...

Her heart monitor squawked in protest at the strain and Jack pulled away guiltily. "Sorry," he said. Doctor Winters came rushing in and Jack looked even more guilty. "That was my fault," he said. "I got carried away. It won't happen again."

"Doctor Quade, you've already been warned by Doctor Beaumont about upsetting the patient. I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"No!" Gabrielle protested. "He didn't upset me and... I want him to stay." She held his hand as tightly as she could manage and looked defiantly at Doctor Winters, who decided it wasn't worth the fight - this time.

"Any more excitement and I really will make you leave," he warned the younger doctor before tending to other patients.

When he was gone, Jack kissed her chastely on the cheek. "This is gonna be so hard, keeping my hands off you," he murmered. His brain started ticking over, thinking about what was best for her - and them. "You should stay in hospital as long as you can. You need all the professional care you can get - I was wrong to think I could give that to you - and it's really not a good idea to have you around to tempt me," he admitted. "I'll come see you ever day but you should stay in hospital."

Gabrielle realised what he was talking about and her own brain started ticking over, thinking about what was best for him. If he wanted her as much as he said he did, then having to live in the same house as her and not be able to touch her the way he wouldn't would be hell for him. "I don't know when I'll be able to... satify you," she said, and Jack stifled a smirk. She could be charmingly prudish at times. "I can't ask you to make that kind of sacrifice."

"You're not asking me, I'm offering," Jack said. "I can wait."

"You have no idea how long for. You can - if you love me as much as you say you do then you should feel the same way in a few months time. I don't care if there are... distractions until then, if that's what you need."

"I said I can wait. I don't want anyone else. No offence, sweetheart, but if I was only after getting laid, there are gorgeous, more experienced women then you out there. I want _you_. I love _you_. I love the way you smile at me and the way you can goad me into laughing about myself and the way you feel when you're sitting in my lap. I can't just go out and find some transient substitude until you're better. I'd rather wait."

"How are you going to feel about that in a few weeks - or a few months?"

"Look, I've done the 'in sickness and health' part of the equation, yeah? I'm sure I can do the 'forsaking all others' too."

"Jack, did you just quote wedding vows?" she asked with a smirk.

He poked his tongue out. "Slip of the tongue," he said. "I didn't mean it."

She couldn't help but feel a little disappointed.

* * *

_Three months later_

"I wonder if they're sleeping together yet."

"Amy, that's incredibly tasteless," Charlotte said.

Amy didn't bother to look embaressed. "What? It's a fair question. Everyone knows she can't - well, she couldn't - and he never touches her with any passion."

"Oh, because you know Jack so much better than she does," Charlotte said. Amy had, in Charlotte's opinion, an extremely ill-bred interest in Jack and Gabrielle's relationship. Everyone knew how devoted he had been towards her in the last three months, seeing her in hospital every day (he'd made Bart look like a rank amateur when it came to his attention to Annie) and racing home each day after work when she'd been well enough to recover at home. Everyone also knew that Doctor Winters had said, in no uncertain terms, that any sexual activity that was going to make her heart speed up was strictly out of bounds. He really did appear almost brotherly towards her, the way he'd stand behind her with his arms around her and kiss the top of her head... but never kiss her passionately. They acted like an old married couple, definitely not like people who'd only properly been together three months.

Charlotte remembered the first three months of her relationship with Vincent, when they couldn't keep their hands off each other.

Amy shrugged. "I know no guy would be so hands-off with _me_," she said. "I wonder if he's got something on the side. Or if he's just staying with her until she gets well. I heard it was the shock of him rejecting her that made her heart stop the first time. Maybe he feels guilty."

"Amy! That's horrible!"

"And true, possibly.C'mon, how do you think he manages to do it? It must be extremely hard - so to speak." At that moment Gabrielle walked in and Amy turned deep red. "I didn't mean -" she stammered.

"I know exactly what you meant," Gabrielle said coolly. She'd overheard every word. "And perhaps if you spent less time gossiping and more time growing up, you'd understand that it's possible to love someone enough that sex isn't the be-all and end-all of a relationship. I suggest you start by acting a little more professionally and tending to your patients."

Amy took the oppurtunity to scurry off, and Gabrielle sank into a chair, feeling suddenly weak-kneed, and not because of her illness. "She was just being Amy," Charlotte said sympathetically. "I wouldn't take her seriously."

"Don't, Char," Gabrielle said. "I know what people are saying - that there's no way Jack can stay faithful when he's not getting laid, that he doesn't touch me the way a boyfriend should, that he's staying with me because he fels guilty."

"Surely you don't believe it." When Gabrielle didn't respond, Charlotte said, "Gabby, he loves you. More than someone like Amy can comprehend."

"Oh, I know he loves me. I just don't know if he's attracted to me anymore. He never - what you guys see in public, that's it. I'm cleared to work, Frank made me go through every physical he coudl think of before he let me come back, but that's not good enough for him. I'm fine to work but not take to bed. And sometimes I think - sometimes I wonder if he's just stalling because he's not interested in sleeping with me anymore. And - and he's been really distracted lately, like he's got something on his mind." _Or someone_. She didn't have to say the last two words for Charlotte to know she was thinking them.

"Gabby, you know that's not true."

Gabrielle shrugged. Amy's words had rattled her. Because Steve's infidelity had affected her deeply, she had always doubted men's general ability to be faithful, and Jack was asking a lot of himself, to be faithful to someone who couldn't keep him satisfied in bed. Had he asked too much? Was there someone else, or even just someone else he was interested in?

He always cut their embraces off at hugs and chaste kisses. He wouldn't make out with her, he wouldn't even spend the night with her even though he knew how much she wanted to wake up in his arms. He was holding her at arms length and after three months of it, doubts about his passion for her were starting to creep in.

"Don't think about it," Charlotte said forcefully. "You know this kind of thinking tore you apart in the first place. Have it out with him if you must but don't let it eat you up."

"I'm not," Gabrielle said, and they both knew it was a lie.

* * *

Like in her dream, she was getting dinner prepared later the next day when Jack came home. He came up behind her and kissed the top of her head in that almost-brotherly way he never deviated from, wrapping his arms around her waist, running his fingers across her abdomen. "You're gaining weight," he said approvingly. And the colour was back in her face, too. What he really wanted to do was grab her ass but he restrained himself. It had been three months of chaste kisses and hugs and he didn't want to scare her know by suddenly being all over her.

Three months of chaste embraces. Three months of having to keep her at arm's length because he was afraid if he didn't, he'd be all over her and set her health back. Three months of lying awake at night wanting her. Three months of feeling like he was fourteen again and the best he was going to get was a good-night kiss after a movie.

He didn't regret his decision to stick by her. He knew he wouldn't have been able to look her in the eye if he'd been with someone else during her convalencence. Even with her permission, it would have broken her heart. And he had no intention of breaking her heart.

The last three months had made him realise how much he loved her. Being forced into a strange platonic-romantic relationship, fidelity without the sex, had put the emphasis on their friendship. There were times when he was so frustrated he could scream but then he thought about how well he'd gotten to know her and it was worth it.

But God, it would be worth it more if he could do everything he wanted with her. He wanted a girlfriend, a lover, not just a friend.

He wanted a wife and he'd been thinking about it so much lately that the thought she might knock him back made him sick. But he couldn't propose to her while they were continuing on with this platonic relationship and he wasn't ready to to consummate it. Everytime he thought he was ready, he thought about how white her face had gone as she'd gripped the table, how her heart had stopped beating four times, how that had been caused by having sex before she was ready.

"You make me sound like a prized heifer," she said.

He frowned. "What's that meant to mean?"

"It means... you know when you had your birthday here, Bart made this crack that you show Bec more affection than you do me. She's your _sister, _Jack, I shouldn't have to put up with comments like that. It's been three months and even Frank thinks I'm up to anything I could handle before and you still treat me the same way you do your goddamn sister."

"That's not true!"

"Yes, it is! God, how can you stand it? How can you stand spending so much time with me and not doing anything? Either you're not attracted to me anymore and you're just staying out of guilt or..." she trailled off, knowing how Jack would respond to her next statement.

"Or what, Gabby? Seriously, or what? That I must be seeing someone else on the side? Yeah, I'm aware of the talk. I'm aware no-one takes me seriously in the best of circumstances, let alone when I can't consummate our relationship. I thought you knew me better than that. I would never cheat on you. I told you what it did to my step-mother and I know what it did to you - I would never do that to you."

"Then you're not attracted to me anymore," she said brokenly.

"If you think that, you should come by my room about three in the morning. I'm surprised you haven't commented about how much linen I'm going through, I thought you were just being polite." Gabrielle blushed at the crassness of what he was saying. "I have dreams which are so erotic and so vivid that I know if I spend the night with you I'll lose control." He tightened his grip on her and his breathing became more shallow and she knew, with rising excitement, that he was struggling with his desire.

"Then why - ?" She pushed back against him and he didn't try to move away from her.

"Because I'm terrified of hurting you. The look on your face just before you collapsed - that's going to haunt me for a long time. I don't want to push you."

"Jack, I've been cleared. I'm OK and you know it. You're just being a chicken."

"I am not."

"Yes, you are." She turned around and wrapped her arms around his neck, kissing him deeply and passionately. She knew she was wearing him down, knew from what he had just said he had very little restraint around her and if she just pushed him that little bit over the edge...

"Goddamn you," he muttered between kisses. "You're not playing fair." God, but he loved the feel of her, the taste of her... when she pusshed her tongue into his mouth his resistance crumbled and he kissed her hungrily. Three months of chaste kisses and it was all he could do to stop from completely plundering her mouth - and those whimpering sounds Gabrielle was making weren't helping. "You'll tell me to stop as soon as you feel weak?" he asked.

"Yes."

"Promise?" His voice was so hard that she promised, actually meaning it. If she took any risks with her health and Jack found out about it - and Jack had a way of finding out about it - he would likely never touch her again.

"Oh, God," she moaned when he ran his hands boldly down the front of her body, groping her breasts shamelessly, down her abdomen, around her nack to her ass... She pushed against him provocatively and the reaction was instant. "Got something for me?" she asked. She remembered how big he was, how good he'd felt inside her. "I wanna be in your bed, Jack," she said horasely. "I want to do it properly. I want to wake up with you tomorrow morning."

"It's what I wanted from the very begining," he said. "I tried to make you wait, remember?"

"Don't gloat. Please, just -" boldly, she took his hand and slid it under her pants. Even knowing what was coming, she gasped at the feeling of his fingers down there and started squirming as he started touching her. "Please, Jack."

How could he resist her when she asked him like _that_? He gripped her hand and started to lead her into his room until she whispered, "Jack, do you think you could - carry me?"

He started to smirk then restrained himself. Whatever it took to make her feel special - even if it was just the few meters from the kitchen to his room. He swung her into his arms and he had to admit, he liked the way her head felt against his chest. He carried her into his room and lay her down with as much gentleness as he could manage. He wanted to be gentle. Their first time had been far too sleazy, as right as it had felt, for his liking and he wanted this to feel like it was something out of a novel.

He got on top of her and started kissing her, taking his time, running his mouth over every inch of her face and neck, working his way down slowly as he unbuttoned her shirt, saturating her in affection. "So beautiful," he murmered over and over. "I love you."

She responded by running her hands along his back, first through his shirt, then pulling it out of his jeans and running her fingers along his bare skin, taking great delight in listening to him whimper softly. If he wanted to take his time touching her, she could do the same thing right back.

Nontheless, she was surprised at how good making out felt. She and Steve had never really done it - as their fumbled tyst had paid testimony to - and the last time she and Jack had been together had been too frantic to bother with it. But now... she cried out when he started kissing her breasts, which were absolutely the perfect size for his hands. She gripped the back of his head tightly, her nails digging into his neck, which would leave a mark tomorrow but he wouldn't care. He stayed there for several minutes until she was almost in tears and would have done anything for him. She ran her hands down his arms, marvelling at how well-built he was, loving the way he shuddered when she did it. She made a mental note that he liked that.

By the time Jack got down to the waistline of her pants she was begging for it. He eased her out of them and her underwear and dipped his head to her. He smiled when she started moaning and he needed to keep one hand over her abdomen to keep her steady on the bed - well, steady enough for him to do his job. He wanted to spoil her and he wanted to make her scream and so for the next half hour he used his tongue and free hand to do just that, making her climax twice before he got up. He idly thought that now was the best time to ask her to marry him because she would have done anything for him, but discarded the idea. It had to be when she was thinking clearly.

He rose to get his pants off, and smiled to see her lying there, flushed and just about delirious with pleasure. "Happy?" he asked dryly. She nodded. She went to ask him if he wanted the favour returned and realised making love to her properly was something he needed. Her gaze fell hungrily when he got his pants off. Oral sex was amazing but there were some times when you needed them inside you and she knew this was the reason he would turn down any offer she made him.

She spread her legs for him and held out her arms for him when he kneeled between them. It felt like it took forever for him to get inside her, and she shuddered in ecstacy when he slid all the way inside her. She wrapped her legs around him and raised her hips to meet his thrusts. She knew he wouldn't last long because he was too worked up and she urged him to concentrate on his own pleasure but he was having none of it. He touched her the way he had in his car but slower, holding out as long as he could, bringing her to orgasm another two times before he let himself go. And when he went, he completely fell apart, burying his head in her shoulder and crying, softly at first but once the dam was broken, it was broken, and soon his body was wracked with sobs. "I'm sorry," he gasped. "I'm never like this."

She held him gently, as gently as he'd been with her before, and kissed him in an oddly chaste, affectionate way, like their kisses had been in the past three months, on the side of his head. "Has there been anyone other than me who knew?" she asked, meaning any other lover who had known about his abuse. But she already knew the answer before Jack shook his head against her neck. No wonder he was crying. It was intense enough for her, to be with someone who knew her as intimately and loved her as much as Jack, someone she trusted completely, but for Jack - she had no comprehension what it must be like to be intimate with so many people (and she knew, even if Jack wouldn't say exactly how many, that it was a lot, he'd been using promiscuity to overcompensate for his feelings of sexual inadequacy for years) and have none of them know such a scarring detail of your past. "I understand," she said softly, and she did, at least as much as any woman was going to. She lowered her hands to his back, hugging him tightly. "Whatever you need, I'm here."

He lay in her arms for almost an hour until his tears subsided, then he got off her and curled up against her. "I thought I was going to be the one holding you," he said.

"You don't have to be strong for me, you know that. I want to make you feel good about yourself."

"You do."

They lay in bed for a while, enjoying the aftersex glow, before Gabrielle's thoughts wandered and she had to ask him, "What were you distracted about?"

"Huh?"

"You've been distracted for weeks. If it wasn't another woman and it wasn't that you wanted to break up with me, what was it?"

"Work," he supplied quickly, too quickly.

He was lying. She tensed up. "Don't bullshit me, Jack. I live with you. I know when you're distracted about work and I know what you're distracted 'cos you've had a guelling counselling session." Her heart gripped. The main reason Steve would lie about his absences was - _"Was_ it another woman?_" _She tried to tell herself it was OK if it was, that it hadn't been fair of her to expect Jack to remain faithful when he wasn't allowed to have sex with her, but she knew in her heart she would never be able to look at him the same way if he'd been with someone else.

Well, that totally killed the mood. Jack got up, scowling. "No." He reached for his pants, wondering if it was permissable to kick her out of bed. As annoyed as he was at her question, he decided it was better just to leave the room.

"Well, it wasn't work and it wasn't counselling and those are the only two reasons I know why you get distracted so..."

"It doesn't matter. I can't believe you asked me that."

"I can't believe you just cried in my arms but you won't tell me what's bugging you!" she retorted.

"Fine." He yanked open his top dresser drawer, pulled out a small box and threw it at her. _"That's_ what's bugging me. I was terrified you'd turn me down._"_

She opened it, but she already knew what it was. "Jack, are you serious?"

"No, I just go down to the bank and get Mary's engagement ring out of my safety deposit box for kicks." His anger was softening now. He knew she was paranoid about infidelity, couldn't really blame her on that one, and he had always known it was going to be an issue to begin with in their relationship. He was prepared for that was was confident that, in time, she would accept that he wasn't Steve and would never play around on her. It kind of sucked to have to deal with that kind of baggage but for Gabrielle, it was worth it.

Besides, his anger was being replaced with that knawing fear of rejection.

"This is Mary's?"

"Yeah. She wanted me to have to give to someone special - said she'd rather I have it than her son."

"And... _I'm_ that special to you?"

"Yeah. For God sake's, Gabby, give it back. I'm not in the mood to have this dragged out." He wasn't going to give her the oppurtunity to tell him no, he decided, he was just going to snatch it back and pretend like this never happened.

She pulled it out of his grasp. "No. You gave it to me."

"This is not a fucking knight, Gabby, this is my heart and you can't just keep something that takes your fancy - wait, you actually want it? I mean, you want to marry me?"

"Yeah."

He sat down on the bed, feeling if he didn't, his legs would betray him. He raked his hand through his hair. "Oh, God, I had a much better proposal in my head."

"At least it wasn't in a consult room with a baby monitor."

He grinned, and the ice was broken. "Here." He took her left hand and put the ring on her finger. "If you don't like it, I can buy you another one. It's just - she was the closest I ever had to a real mother so it kind of like an heirloom to me."

"I know, Jack. I'm so flattered that I mean that much to you. I love you and I will marry you."

He leaned in to kiss her. "I love you, too."

**The End**


End file.
